Try to See It My Way

When I started dating John, he used to call me “Enid doll – actual size” like it was a compliment. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m not going to make this easy. You’re just gonna have to Google “little Enid Coleslaw doll.”

This nickname lasted awhile and even caught on a bit. In fact, one of my sister’s friends made up some weird song about it that he’d sing when I walked by.

While the pigtails went by the wayside years ago, I still need the glasses. The odd thing is that I’ll put Marilyn Monroe’s Pola Debovoise to shame anywhere, anytime with my refusal to wear them. Truthfully, I’d much sooner get my fucking forehead injected full of Botox from squinting at the oven clock before I put them on to do something other than drive or work. Oh, who am I kidding…I want the Botox anyway. Consider it backlash against a hi-definition world; consider it vain. The reality is that I really just prefer to not see things over having something resting on my nose. Thus, I live with the consequences: I've learned how to set the oven timer so it beeps.

My extreme refusal to be bespectacled is a bit baffling, but it is not nearly as bizarre as a “street style” phenomenon I recently read about. According a to fashion interview on CNN Living (see the problem already?) with the creator of the Urban Weeds blog, there is an entire city who revels in wearing glasses – even when they don’t really need them.

It seems some trendsters in Portland actually think wearing non-prescription glasses makes you look intelligent. I suppose this makes sense in the same way wearing a jock strap would make one look athletic, or wearing a surgeon’s mask would make one look like a surgeon. My point is that if you don’t need it, don’t wear it. And this is not just out of sour grapes, it really is for your own good. You see, if someone of actual intelligence finds out you see 20/20, you’ll not only look the complete opposite of “intelligent” but you’ll look downright, well, not quite right. You know, like the keyboardist from Prince’s Revolution.

The idea of wearing glasses just to look smart is preposterous and to entertain it proves you’re lacking upstairs regardless of how you appear. And to my fellow four-eyes: like anything else, if you have to do something, you might as well rock it (my frames are Chanel, after all). As a “look,” legit lenses do work pretty well for some people. But not for me, and certainly not for any of the jokers on that “style” blog.